Tried this one on McSweeney’s. It didn’t fly. Better luck next time.
Thank you for taking the time to interview me last Friday, September 15th, for the position of “forklift operator” at “Fat Lenny’s Sizzlin’ Hot Sauce.” Note my use of quotations. In the former case, I include them because I consider myself more of a “forklift ballerina,” and will insist on being referred to as such. In the latter case, I include quotations because you didn’t actually invite me inside the offices or storefront, and instead chose to conduct our interview in the warehouse. A stinking building, if I may say. If Fat Lenny had any sense, he’d torch the whole thing for insurance (wink). Anyway, I understand why we met there, given the job being offered, but your chosen venue did not inspire that all-for-one, Fat Lenny’s Sizzlin’ Hot Sauce spirit that you kept droning on about. Also, what with all the nervous glances towards the open loading bay door? Are you seeking escape? From your job? From a life you don’t want? Leave it at this, Porsche: I can be more to you—much more—than a forklift ballerina.
What else? Oh, yeah. Sorry I was an hour late. I didn’t take the right line, and I lost my shoe on the bus. I’m usually pretty good at reading maps, even while drunk, but I was really feeling it that morning.
You spoke much of job requirements. Here, I turn the tables on you and present my employee demands.
I know what you’re thinking now. “This guy is confident and assertive; exactly the kind of man we need to come in, shake things up, and eventually run this stupid place.” Well, what are you waiting for? I mean it, Porsche—what are you waiting for? I’ve been sitting by the phone since Friday! That sitting is being done on my mother’s commode (God rest her), and I’ve got plenty of dry pasta within reach, so there’s no chance I missed you. Yes, I’ve been known to grope. If you’ve run a background check, you know that I’m known for this. You should also know that it happens very rarely, and has only ever been directed towards my fellow workmen and that when I deliver these loving squeezes, I’m always gentle.