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Get a signed copy!

Thank you for buying, borrowing, or stealing a copy of Sommelier of Deformity. I hope it brought you joy. In Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe, Barry White claims to have “heard people say that too much of anything is not good for you, baby.” Then an ooh, then an aah (stand-ins, we assume, for his further reflection on the point). Then he rejects the notion. “But I don’t know about that.” I’m with Barry.


Would you like a signed copy of Sommelier? How about a custom inscription?


Here’s how it works. Fill out the form below, answer the questions that follow. I’ll use the information you include to dream up a custom inscription just for you! Ten questions. They’re fun. When you finish, a P.O. box address will be revealed! Print that out, send your book, and I’ll inscribe it and send it back to you.


The cost: $7 per book. I wish I could do it for free. There’s the cost of the return postage, and the bubble envelope I’ll send it in, and the fee for the P.O. box, and pens, and gas, and the cost of setting this whole thing up. What spare change is left, my kids will gladly devour.


You’ll get full instructions after you submit, on the confirmation page. Who knows? Maybe Sommelier will become a beloved classic, and you’ll have a signed first edition, and this will be the best $7 you ever spent.



-Your package must be postmarked before December 31, 2018. I may extend past that, but for now, let’s assume that packages received after that date will be returned to sender, unsigned.

-Your return address must be within the U.S. If you’re outside the U.S., you can email me at Maybe we can set something up. If you’re opposed to web forms, you can write me at the same address.

-I won’t sell your information or roll it into a mailing list, or anything like that.


In the form below, enter the “return address” information for the book(s) you’re sending. In the questions that follow, you’ll be able to specify the name of the person(s) you want the inscription made out to.